Top Ten Ways to Increase Church Attendance

Tonight's "Top Ten List" comes to us courtesy of my friend Louie da Garbage Man who found this in the Pope’s garbage and sent it to his cousin, who sent it to his uncle, who sent it to his bookie, who sent it to me . . . .

From the home office in Vatican City . . .

Number 10: New rule: No more Broccoli on Fridays during Lent

Number 9. Official language of the church now igPay atinLay

Number 8. Services piped on closed circuit TV to nearest Sports Bar

Number 7. Priests to be addressed as “dad”

Number 6. Bible replaced with “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten”

Number 5. Sins can be redeemed with Betty Crocker coupons

Number 4. No more nuns – bunnies!

Number 3. For each parishioner: Christmas bonus checks!

Number 2. Communion to feature bratwurst and beer

And tonight's number one way to increase church attendance . . .

Next Pope will be Jewish!

Originally written for Pastor Chuck Merkner's 20th anniversary at Messiah Lutheran Church in Wauconda, IL in February, 2006.