A Tribute to Mediocrity

"Only the mediocre can always be at their best."

As heard on Car Talk on National Public Radio.

Remember Willy Loman?

"For a salesman, there is no rock bottom to the life. He don't put a bolt to a nut, he don't tell you the law or give you medicine. He's a man way out there in the blue, riding on a smile and a shoeshine."

The character Willy Loman from Arthur Miller's "Death of a Salesman"

Top Ten Ways to Increase Church Attendance

Tonight's "Top Ten List" comes to us courtesy of my friend Louie da Garbage Man who found this in the Pope’s garbage and sent it to his cousin, who sent it to his uncle, who sent it to his bookie, who sent it to me . . . .

From the home office in Vatican City . . .

Number 10: New rule: No more Broccoli on Fridays during Lent

Number 9. Official language of the church now igPay atinLay

Number 8. Services piped on closed circuit TV to nearest Sports Bar

Number 7. Priests to be addressed as “dad”

Number 6. Bible replaced with “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten”

Number 5. Sins can be redeemed with Betty Crocker coupons

Number 4. No more nuns – bunnies!

Number 3. For each parishioner: Christmas bonus checks!

Number 2. Communion to feature bratwurst and beer

And tonight's number one way to increase church attendance . . .

Next Pope will be Jewish!

Originally written for Pastor Chuck Merkner's 20th anniversary at Messiah Lutheran Church in Wauconda, IL in February, 2006.

On Chicago's Bid for the Olympics

Excerpts from the weekly podcast of NPR commentator Frank Deford:

Poor Chicago, odds-on favorite to host the Games in 2016, is thrown out on its keister by the International Olympic Committee, a cabal that loathes the United States only slightly less than do the Taliban and Roman Polanski.

As for that quadrennial global reality show, Chicago's abject rejection is no one's fault here - not the President's, not Oprah's; for once we can't even blame the Cubs. Rather, the greasy antics of the International Olympic Committee make Chicago's own fabled politics look by comparison like Periclean Athens. The IOC members still hold it against the United States that the Atlanta Olympics were so tacky, and that the Salt Lake City Olympics highlighted the IOC corruption that has so often attended the selection of host cities.

Forget it, America; any US metropolis that may be pondering a bid for the 2012 Olympics would be more wisely advised to petition St. Augustine to become the designated City of God. It would have a much better chance to earn that distinction.

"Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour."

"Lies are a lubricant in the social machine. They ease the friction when two moving parts mesh imperfectly."

From Babel's Fall'n Glory We Fled, Michael Swanwick